This is a short narrative I wrote two semesters ago on my iPod while a certain class was carrying on. I'm posting it now because I find going back and exploring my past ideas and ways of thinking to be interesting. It is not a complete story, but depending on the feedback I might continue with it. Not sure yet, anyway here it is:
"As I sit here in a classroom where no one including myself is really listening to this monotone professor I realize that I really just don't care. This is a subject I find interesting at least somewhat, but my mind and body cannot keep attention like this. There is for lack of a better term, a plague, an atmosphere permeating me and taking over. It's beyond boredom and laziness and is just a general mindset I now have. This is a waste of valuable time.
The time in this room is suffocating. Slowing down so I can feel each second pass is making the boredom grow stronger while my mind and emotions become further separated. I am at the point where in my mind's eye I can see the two separate sides of my being. The emotions are a churning cloud that wish to be calm, and my mind is a sea of reason and ideas. From this point I choose to access the sea of my mind and let my emotions sit idly by.
I do retain my emotions while I am only using my rational mind, they are simply easier to ignore. Like a shadow on the ground that wishes to reach up and be one with the body but alas it is only a shadow. Sometimes I think this state of mind is good, other times it haunts me because I can see things that should evoke pure emotion from me but my mindset is too rational and dulls the emotional aspects away so I can do is sit here in disdain.
Only when I find a good connection with another human do I feel somewhat closer to being real again and find myself able to reconnect with my emotional being.
Talking about what is real is and entirely relative thing that holds little bering in this conversation with myself. Even more so because I am speaking of emotions and mindsets. Perhaps I am no different from the rest of society and that's why we all steal to find the one for us to spend our lives with. One to understand this internal conflict that exists within ourselves. A person to be able to fully love and be able to reason with. And I'd truly enjoy being stupidly romantic with them, but my mindset right now alone in this room with twenty other people does not desire that. It desires nothing. Nothing to the point of not even caring about life and death.
That does not mean I want to die right now. To me it more means that my current life has inconviences that I want gone. Things like certain blood realtions, schooling, waking up before noon, working, and much more. I'm even getting tired of typing, but I'm also getting sleepier so I will determine this to be a side effect of the monotone voice that permeates this room. And then it is gone like a wisp and I am free to leave this dreadful place and regain my true inner self.
Again I have trapped myself in this room. People slowly make their way through the door and there are just barely a few more vagrants than last week. It barely seems like a week has gone by, but at the moment it feels not nearly enough time has passed.
Time is an illusive thing that we cannot grasp. It becomes faster and slower at the will of our perceptions. When anxious or otherwise hoping for it to be slower, time speeds itself up. When we are nervous and in the spotlight, time cannot help but slow down to a crawl. Alas this is all relative nonsense perpetuated by our heightened emotional states.
It is nonsense because I am not the one currently at the front of the room speaking, and presenting a report while constantly being interrupted by an instructor that has absolutely zero charisma or grace. That is not to say he is not knowledgable, only to say he needs to take a speech seminar and seems to be socially incapable. It does not help that there are people in here disrespectful enough to talk while the class is going on. Even if no one is paying attention, such a blatant display of disrespect should never be tolerated. It seems to me that the instructor's hearing must be rather bad or he does not really care about this class himself. I hope it only the former because I do generally enjoy the subject, but I find that reading about it alone suits me better than being dragged into this prison on a regular basis. This prison where knowledge attempts to spread but dies on deaf ears.
I think this is what people mean when they refer to the abstract notion of the masses. We all think we are individual, interesting, and unique. The fact of the matter is that at the time we do not stand up and shout our names our, use our emotional side to give our cause heart and our mental side to make it reasonable to understand, we have lost our chance to be above the masses. When someone does these things people are instantly drawn to them like a force of nature. Not everyone of course, we are all limited to our own base perceptions."
